Equines and Delirium
by Evil Black Poppies
Summary: "He pressed his sweaty forehead against mine. Stroking back his tangled damp hair, I whispered, 'It's okay. We're okay.' He let out a broken cry. 'It's okay Edward.' Fierce emeralds met my eyes, 'It's not.'" AU-AH OOC dark themes CITRUS
1. Infra Red

**Epic A/N: Hey, this is a new story I'm quite happy with and will definitely finish. Major love to my Beta of Extreme Awesomeness, elusivetwilight. Go and give her some love.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. In fact I don't even own Jazz. She's a horse at the barn where I work (I just happen to hate her horse-y guts. Hey that sounds a little weird coming from you EBP, aren't you like a horse lover? Well I am but, would _you_like the horse that bites you every fucking time you go near her? -silence- I rest my case.)**

**Note!: I do not pretend to have any medical knowledge, I just got snippets of info from emailing one of my mom's friends who is an RN. Don't kill me if I get anything wrong medically.**

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_Someone call the ambulance..There's gonna be an accident**-Infra-Red by Placebo**_

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|May-2007|

I was ready. Jazz was ready. Adrenaline coursed through my body like liquid stood at the in-gate; the thin white line drawn over the finely grated sand. It was the line separating us from our dreams. But once we were over it and running, those dreams would be put right into my hands**. **Jill, our trainer of four years, was right beside us, telling me last minute advice. "Don't go over three strides in that in and out- that was killed Dutton. One should be good with her stride," she was stern and all—business on the outside, but inside I knew she was just as excited as me. I brushed a fleck of dirt off Jazz's shining, red-brown, blood bay coat absentmindedly.

"Okay, I got it," I said. I narrowed my eyes and straightened up in my saddle. I was so _ready_. I was the youngest competitor at Rolex. I was sixteen, Jazz, my horse, was seven and it was our year. We'd dominated the dressage stage with a score of thirty-six, blown right through cross-country with a clear and were timed at _ten_ minutes, we _so_ had the jumping phase in the bag. If I won this, I was going to the Olympics.

The buzzer went off, and we were flying. Jazz cantered smoothly up to the first element, a six foot oxer covered in all sorts of flower boxes and brightly colored paints; it was all done up to try and spook the horses. Jazz didn't even flick her ear. We sailed over it, her hooves clearing it easily. As she landed she pulled forward, I pulled her back saying, _wait, baby, wait_. The next was a wall, about five feet, something Jazz and I could do in our sleep. We cleared it with what I _knew_ was a good, six inches. She landed and thundered over to the in-and-out, two flashily decorated jumps set only one or two strides apart. Again I pulled her back a little by squeezing with my thighs. _Hold on, not yet_. We sailed over it and with one quick, bouncy stride we were over the second oxer. I held her until we'd finished the incredibly tight turn to the roll-back, a jump where you had to take an incredibly tight turn to get to. Then in the last two strides I let her loose.

Then her nose was in the air, much too soon. Suddenly, I wasn't on her anymore, a large dark shadow covered the sun; I was falling, down, down, down.

My back impacted with the ground, leaving me breathless. Then I was being crushed and smothered, I heard Jazz whinnying like crazy, I tried to say, "Easy girl." I'm not sure what came out of my mouth.

"Bella!" I heard a voice call.

"Someone get an airlift!"

"Get her out from underneath!"

"Everyone _GET OUT OF THE WAY!"_

A loud crack. Then roaring.

Suddenly the pressure was gone and I felt something very rigid underneath me. There was a loud humming coming from somewhere; I'm pretty sure I told someone to, "Shut off the fan."

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I woke up to a whole lot of blinding, pristine white, and a pretty strange bleeping eyes glanced around the room anxiously, I saw someone asleep in a chair by my bed. It was Jill. "Jill?"" I mumbled sleepily. "Wha you doin'? Ja… need a be wor…"

Jill'seyes burst open, their watery blue irises bloodshot. "Bella? Oh God, Bella…" she sobbed grabbing my hand.

A woman, clinically dressed in a lilac shirt and pants ensemble, came in through the glass door to my room.

Wait… my room wasn't white; it wasn't this big-it was over a _barn_ for Pete's sake-, there wasn't a really ugly chair next to my bed. Also, my bed certainly did _not_ have rails along the side like this one did; mine was tiny and antique, this one was cold and clinical. And their certainly were not nurses coming in through glass doors.

Then it finally hit me: I was in a hospital.

Once I woke enough to think coherently, Jill explained to me what happened. I'd been going to the roll-back and something happened, out of all the horse people there they couldn't figure out what, somehow it had ended with the jump and Jazz lying on top of me. I'd fractured my L5 vertebra, pelvis, and both femurs. Jazz was… put down on the spot. I'd been in a coma for a week. I learned that my doctors planed to have me moved to the hospital in Seattle Washington for physical therapy.

Fast forward the next excruciatingly slow sixteen months of physical therapy, where I'd learned to walk again-with the help of a cane- to now; where my dad said he couldn't take care of me, to where I was put into foster care. My mom's death eleven year ago really did a number on my dad and he was never the same; now with all this my dad said he just couldn't take care of a disabled child.

Although the truth was, I hadn't lived with my dad since I was eight years old. That summerI visited my grandfather just outside Phoenix. He had a fancy jumpers breeding farm, there I'd learned to ride and discovered I had a natural feel for the sport. By the end of the summer I was helping Jill, who was his assistant trainer back then, school green horses.

Once every last 'i' was dotted and every't' was crossed, I was my grand-père's girl. I for the next eight years every breath I took, every though I had, was horses. became a champion junior rider with his help.

Grand-pèredied when I was fourteen and Charlie unfortunatelybecame my legal guardian again. Neverthelessconsented for mestay with Jill- who had taken over as trainer at his father's farm, while Charlie was keeping most of the income. After my grandfather died, Jazz-histhenfavorite three year-old- became moved right up through the level of three-day eventing right to Rolex; where my career and her life ended.

I _was_ offered by the social worker to live with Jill but, I vehemently opposed. I wanted nothing more to do with horses; going back there would only cause me personal pain. I stayed in the hospital for a few months, finishing up physical therapy.

One day someone watched as I worked on stretching my lower back in physical therepy. It was painful, but I was also used to it. He was a young blond doctor who introduced himself as, "Dr. Carlisle Cullen."

I reached out to shake his hand with my right hand- my left held my heavily leaned-upon cane- and said, "Hi Dr. Cullen, I'm Bella." I never said I was raised by savages.

"Call me Carlisle, please" he insisted with a dazzling white smile.

"Umm… okay. So why were you watching me today?" I asked bluntly.

"I was told by one of my RNs that you were quite the little wonder girl. It was predicted that you'd never walk again, so I heard," another smile and a wink.

WTF?

"Okay then… I'm gonna walk back to my room now," I said trying to make my way past him. I felt uncomfortable; all this winking and smiling was making me think this guy was creeper. I just wanted to retreat to my room.

"Let me get you some lunch in the cafeteria. I'm sure you're tired of this hospital food," another wink, another smile. I repressed the urged to shudder. He was right; but what did he want from me?

Still against my better judgment, I trusted him, "Okay."

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**So yeah, no Edward yet. Sorry. I hope it wasn't terrible; elusivetwilight told me to try to elaborate on the horsey stuff, but if anything confuses you just drop me a line, okay?****  
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**Reviews make the unicorns happy. And since unicorns shit sunshine and fucking rainbows, they're pretty important. I don't want to know what comes out of their ass when they're pissed.**

**So keep the unicorns happy and review okay?**


	2. The Child is Gone

**I'd like to thank my Beta of Extreme Awesomeness, elusivetwilight for bearing with me and helping me with some problems (i.e, verb tense...which is one my major faults.) Now go and give her some love. Her story is called _The Rain Season_ and it's freaking amazing. Also go and check out _Meds_ by Mojo Pen. It's another great one.**

**Disclaimer: What if I told you I was Stephine Meyer in disguise? Did I have you going for a second there? No? Well, I'm not.**

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_I'm trying to find_  
_A place I belong_  
_And I suddenly feel_  
_Like a different person-_** The Child is Gone by Fiona Apple**

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|September 16, 2009|

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We got Mickey D's from the hospital cafeteria for lunchand midway through my Big McHeart Attack burger he dropped a bomb on me.

"Isabella. Bella, I'd like to bring you home with me as a foster child."

I'd been dreading the moment when someonesaid this to me, had nightmares about it even.

He continued, "I have three adopted children and I'm sure they would love to have a sister. My wife, Esme, and I**,**have been thinking about youfor awhile. I adopted all of my children, the very same way, they were patients here and we decided to adopt them."

So what, this guy was like, a collector of kids or something?

"Ah…" I said intelligently.

"Just let us try it for two months. If you are unhappy, you can come back here until something that better suits you comes along," he pleaded, this was all beginning to sound quite sales-pitch-y. Like, I was waiting to hear someone say, "Adopt now! Pay later!"

Then I remembered Jill's depressed look when I told her I didn't want to live with her, she had been the only one who stuck it out with me through months of physical therapy**. **I didn't want to do that to someone else, but I still surprised myself by saying, "Yes."

He smiled warmly, it was very dad-like and now that I noticed it he wasn't really that young, he just aged _way_better then my 'dad'. "Okay we'll go pack your things. Then at ten o'clock I'll drive you back to my home."

"My stuff is already packed. Jill airmailedall my clothes to the hospital, they're sitting in my room in three suitcases," I squeaked, still reeling from the fact that this guy wanted to adopt me.

"You didn't want to unpack anything?"

I smiled, "Well I've been in a hospital for the past year or so and they tend to be pretty strict about you wearing a gown-apparently this place is pretty formal," I joked lamely-covering the _real_ reason why I hadn't unpacked. Most of my things were riding things and I didn't want to re-visit any memories.

"Well let's get you back to your room and _unpack_ you some normal clothes," he said.

The next morning, as promised, Dr. Cullen dragged me out of the hospital and took me to his car a sleek, shiny, and black Mercedes. I got in, feeling uncomfortable in my jeans, Converse, and tee-shirt, after living in a hospital gown for a year anything would feel uncomfortable to you.

"So my family and I live in a small town named Forks, you heard of the place?" he asked, while driving.

"No," I answered dryly and continued to look out the window.

"Okay. As I told you I have three children; Alice and Edward who are seventeen as well, and Emmett who is eighteen. They go to Forks high school. The goal would be, if you agree to stay we would enroll you as well," he said.

Apparently he thought that would make me happy, butI suppressed a groan. The last time I had been in school I was twelve. Once I was competing in major shows all over the country, my grandfather had me take lessons with a private tutor.

After about a two hour nap Dr. Cullen woke me up as he pulled into a long, heavily wooded driveway. The driveway ended in a circle with a large sprawling white mansion and behind the house was various outbuildings connected by a wide gravel path. Dr Cullen pulled up right in front of the house's porch. He opened the door for me, along with him and my cane I slowly and steadily climbed the stairs to the white-washed porch. He held open the door for me and said, "Head straight in-they're all waiting for you."

I walked into a very large, open pale living room, there was a plasma TV mounted to a wall and a small circle of couches and over sized arm chairs around it. I headed that way, with Dr. C behind me. Butterflies flittered in my stomach.

On the couch was a petite woman with soft wavy, caramel hair and a warm smile. "Bella," she said getting up and enclosed me in a hug; I stood there awkwardly.

"Mom," a deep, booming, bass voice said, "don't smother her!" The woman, Esme I assumed, released me and stepped back to sit on the couch giving me a clear view of the speaker.

It was a very large, bodybuilder type-guy, "Hey I'm Emmett!" he boomed.

I gulped, "Em stop. You're scaring her," a soft soprano voice said. I turned my head to see a short, pixie-like girl, not more than four feet tall,with short spiky black hair. "I'm Alice," she said.

Then a musical velvet-like voice added dryly,"Hey I'm Edward-the only sane one here." I turned to study the speaker; he was a tall boy, who looked about my age, with tousled bronze hair and sparkling green eyes. He was truly stunning.

I blushed deeply as Dr. C said, "Everyone this is Bella. I'm quite proud of her already for her amazing accomplishments in her PT." He then whispered for my ears alone, "I made sure they all knew about the accident so no awkward questions about the cane-they might act like savages sometimes, but they _are_ polite."

Alice reached behind her and pulled out a tiny silver bag and handed it to me, "Here. We got you a little homecoming present," she said smiling hopefully.

"You didn't have to do-" I stopped as I pulled out the object. It was a braided piece of black hair-not hair-_tail_- wrapped with dark hunter green ribbons. It was Jazz's tail hair with our colors braided in.

I began to cry and stumbled with my cane to get out of there. I needed to escape. I had no idea where I was going but headed for the grand staircase that was the focal point in the room. I made my way halfway up it but, my cane caught and I slid all the way back down on my stomach. I was crying so hard for loss of my horse and my dignity.

Someone knelt beside me, I didn't look up to see who, "God Bella, I'm sorry- _we__'__re_ sorry," Edward's voice said, "We didn't know it would upset you. Do you want to some help getting up?"

Knowing I was tomato red, I chocked, mortified, "Thanks."

I grabbed his outreached hand and he pulled me up. Dr. C. handed me my cane.

"Nice Chucks," Edward said his eyes locked on my shoes.

"Thanks," I said pleased he used the same terminology for the ever-popular Chuck Taylor All-Stars. They were basic black except for the toes had different pieces of tack drawn on them.

I looked up at his face, his green eyes unreadable, "You want me to-"

His sister, Alice, interrupted, "Hey Bella you want me to show you to your room?" she asked kindly.

"Erm… yea, sure thanks," I said. She graciously helped me up the stairs, as her family looked on.

"I was so excited when Carlisle told me that he and Esme were going to be your foster parents. You try growing up with Edward 'Sullen Cullen' and Emmett, team captain of every possible contact sport," she prattled on.

"Oh."

"Well I really hope you choose to stay- we can go shopping, you can meet all my friends- a grand total of three, I might add- and we can do _loads_ of stuff," she was definitely a chatterer. Me? Not so much. We stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall. "My room is on yourleft, Emmett is across from you, and Edward's room as well as Carlisle and Esme's master bedroomare on the other end of the hall," she said and then gestured with both hands to the door in front of us, "And this is your room!" she opened the door with an Evana White-like flourish.

I walked inside. The walls were plain white-"You can do what you want with the color later," Alice said. In the middle of the room was a double bed, the back facing wall was all glass, a beautiful view of the woods, the floors were hard wood, against the glass wall was a white antique make-up table that could be used as a desk if I wanted to, and there was a walk-in closet, and my own private bathroom. It felt like way too much for me. The richness of room made me feel small and unworthy.

I stood there for a while and finally Alice broke the awkward silence, "I'll leave you to get settled then-I'll bribe Emmett to carry up your suitcases and stuff." She then flitted out of the room like a lithe ballet dancer. I sat on the bed and then lay I knew it I was asleep.

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**Well? Yes Edward arrived...sigh. There wasn't much action was there? It's slow, yeah. But it will pick up, I promise.**

**Reviews make the crazy voices in my head have fun, causing me to write more.**


	3. English Summer Rain

**Huge thanks to the Beta of Fabulous-ness elusivetwilight, this chapter would have been crap with out your editing-seriously. As usual I comand you to go and check out her stuff. Also, if you're looking for a fic to read I'm currently reading _Edward Wallbanger_ by feathersmmmm and _Gravity_ by Abasketcase. They're both amazing.**

**Disclaimer: I own a Twilight poster, but I don't actually own Twilight. Too bad.**

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_Hold your breath and count to ten,  
And fall apart and start again,  
Hold your breath and count to ten,  
Start again, start again...  
Hold your breath and count your step,  
And fall apart and start again_-**English Summer Rain by Placebo

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|September 16, 2009|

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A knock on the door woke me up, I turned my head to see who it was, Esme.

"Bella?" she asked softly. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah. Sure," I said groggily. She tiptoed into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Do you want to come down and have dinner with us?"

"Um…" I mumbled uncertainly, biting my lip.

She put her arm around my shoulders like the mom I never had, "We just want you to be comfortable and happy. If that means you don't dine with us tonight, then that's fine," she said giving me one of those weird one-armed hugs, "So how do you like the room? Alice told you that you can paint it and we could get different furniture, right?"

"It's great," I said, "Thank-you so much," I said earnestly.

She understood I wanted her out of there and got up and faced me, "Okay then, if you need anything just holler." Before she left she kissed the top of my head. Esme closed the door behind her and I was alone.

I grabbed my cane and made my way over to the suitcases and boxes that Emmett, I assume, had left near the door for me to unpack. I slowly and painstakingly shoved all of the boxes over into the closet. I sat down next to them and began to unpack.

The first suitcase was filled with jeans, t-shirts, and other casual clothes. Underneath the casual clothes though, were my few formal dresses that I would wear to any formal event that I was required to go to for the show season. Those I put away without a problem.

It was the next suitcase that was an issue. Inside were all my riding things, like paddock boots, breeches, my tall boots, my Hunter wellies, my hard hat, and other various equine-related paraphernalia. Those I packed away into the very back of my closet, through tears. Since I had found out that Jazz was dead, I put her away in my mind; I buried her ashes in the pile of learning how to walk again. But now… it was like I had just found out that she was dead all over again. Touching, seeing, feeling all of the iteams that had touched her—it ripped a giant hole in my chest, and it felt like shoving them in the very back of my closet was the only thing that could keep the pieces of me together. But really, all I was doing was shoving away my pain.

The next box was my tack trunk- I simply shoved that to the back of my closet as well. The other boxes contained, as I found by digging through them, trophies, stuffed animals, ribbons, photographs, and other miscellaneous final photo was one of me, my grandfather, a long-legged blood bay filly: Jazz. That one I ripped to pieces. Anything horse-y I shoved in the back of my closet, and the rest got thrown on my desk.

The last thing I unpacked was my laptop; I cleared a spot on the desk and set it down. It had the ability to connect to the Internet from anywhere (thanks Verizon!) I pulled out the dainty artificially (I assumed) antiqued chair and went to various horse news websites and found the articles from Rolex.

"RISING STAR BRUTALLY INJURED AT ROLEX," read one headline. I quickly scanned the article.

"_Isabella Swan, the youngest rider at Rolex four-star, Olympic-level event this year, was severely injured during the stadium phase on Sunday. She had come__ready to win and had a perfect round until the in-and-out, where she and her horse, Joyous Mystery, fell. Joyous Mystery landed on top of Swan, injuring her spine, pelvis, and femur bones. She is currently in critical condition at…"_

The article was pretty much over and included one photo from each previous phase and ending with a grainy picture of Jazz on top of me. Seeing the picture made me feel…strange, not sad, as you'd expect, but weirdly detached. It was like I was an outsider, some on who barely knew anything about horses, who had just seen this thinking, _Oh, that's terrible. Good thing it wasn't my daughter._ It was strange, one moment I was the me, the broken and beaten Bella Swan, the next I was nothing, an onlooker. Just before I exited the page, Esme came in with a plate of food.

"Hey Bella I brought you some dinner…" she trailed off as she saw what I was reading. "Oh…is that y- Carlisle said you were in an accident, but I…"

"Didn't know how bad it was?" I finished snidely. I then realized how nasty I was being and instantly began to apologize, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude…"

Esme set down the plate of steak and potatoes next to mycomputer and crouched down next to me, hugging me yet again, "Oh honey, there's no need to apologize… I could have handled that better," she said to my hair. What was with this woman and hugging? Did she think that hugging could fix the world or something? Then she started to cry, which made me start to cry… Great, I absolutely _hate_ crying. _Loathe_ it.

We both sat there crying for a little while and then she said, "Oh I think your dinner got a little cold…" Somehow we both found that incredibly funny, and were in hysterics.

Suddenly Emmett stepped into the roomand said, "Esme! We're gonna go down and… Oh," he said his brow furrowing, as if he just realized I was there. "Hey Bella, me, Ed, and Alice were going to go down to the diner and get some ice cream, do you want to come?"

Simultaneously, Esme and I answered:

"Emmett she didn't eat any dinner,"

"Sure."

If I was going to be here for two months I might as well try and make my stay here…pleasant.

Esme smiled happily, "Okay. Just make sure you wear a coat Bella!" she called as I grabbed my recently unpacked wallet and walked out the door.

Emmett helped me down the stairs, "So yea… we're just driving down to the local diner, you can meet my girlfriend, Rosalie, and who ever else might be there."

"Okay," I said, Emmett was a sort of laid-back guy, who emitted teddy bear-like vibes, so I instantly relaxed around him.

Then as we reached the bottom of the stairs, Alice intercepted us, "Edward just went to bring his car 'round front so that Bella wouldn't have to walk down to the garage."

"I could have done that-hey how did you know I was coming with you?" I was peeved by their apparent thought that I was inept.

Edward walked in the front door, grinning crookedly, "The Pixie," he began and nodded in Alice's direction, "can be somewhat clairvoyant at times, we just learn to live with it," he smiled crookedly, "the Volvo's ready if you guys are."

"Yea!" Emmett boomed. "I scream, you scream-"

"We all scream for ice cream," Alice and Edward finished.

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**Well? Yes Edward arrived...sigh. There wasn't much action was there? It's slow, yeah. But it will pick up, I promise.**

**So there was a little something I forgot to mention in the last chapter... a huge THANK-YOU to the html savvy ladies of The Lazy, Yet Discerning, Ficster who provided a snazzy LJ-thingy mabober for this story on LJ via their LazyJournal thing.**

**Also review! Why? Because it makes the words come easier. AND I respond to_ every single on_e that I can. For those of you who don't have accounts, I have TURNED ON the Anonymous Review Feature. So if you don't have an account you can still leave me a review! I just can't respond...**

******LOVE, Sam**


	4. Teenage Angst

**I know. I. Am. Epic. Fail. At. Updating. You _are_ allowed to kill me if you wish. I feel as though I owe you an explanation of sorts. And I do. So I'll give you the short: RL FAIL- it's a wild tale involving therapists and depression... so yeah, on with the usual business.**

**Much love to the kick-ass team of Betas I have: elusivekoolaid and NoMoreThanUsual, and also I special shout out to the lovely ladies of Project Team Beta (especially the misses Ali Hanniber (sorry if I killed your name :[ ) and Brady Williams) who answer all my teeny grammatical and stylistic questions.**

**Things I do own: A new netbook, a ton of music, and lots of books.**

**Things I don't own: Twilight and all respective aspects.**

**Enjoy & see you down below!**

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_Airs and social graces, elocution so divine.  
I'll stick to my needle, and my favourite waste of time,  
both spineless and sublime.-_**Teenage Angst by Placebo**

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|September 16, 2009|

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As it turned, out the Cullens lived a little away from town, so it took under half an hour to get to the 50s-style diner. Its miniscule lot was nearly packed with cars, almost all except for the handicapped spots. I remembered the handicapped parking sticker they had given me at the hospital, I had stuffed it in my wallet, embarrassed. I fished it out now, biting my lip as I tried to think of a way to bring it up. I felt heat creep up my face as I looked at the back of Edward's head.

"Um…Edward?" I squeaked. "I er… have a um… handicap sticker…if you, ah, need it."

I saw him flash a kind crooked smile at me from the review mirror. "Thanks Bella, that's really kind of you to offer, but only if you feel comfortable."

I nodded stiffly and handed him the sticker. He slid the car into the parking spot, and hanged the the sticker on the review mirror. He swiftly got out of the drivers side door and I looked up when he opened my door. His eyes were lovely and green and I felt my mouth go dry as he gazed down at me.

"Here," he said offering his arm, "don't want you falling down on me again."

"Thanks," I smiled and he led me into the restaurant. The place was packed with various high-school kids. Emmett led us over to a booth where two honey-blonds, a boy and a girl,were sitting. Emmett slid in next to the curvy, attractive, blond girl. She was the kind of girl who made every female in the room take a hit on their self-esteem. Worst of all, she seemed to know it.

As Emmett sat down next to her, she placed a tender kiss on his cheek. Emmett beamed at her with a dimpled smile, looking far-too cherubic for someone so large. The girl smiled and gingerly placed her hand on his thigh.

Alice sat opposite boy, he was handsome and his lean frame was well built. . As she slid into her seat the boy gave her a quick glance that she instantly returned with a ghost of a smile. I could practically see the words moving between them in a language of quick fleeting glances and smiles I figured only they would know. Edward slid in next to Alice and I sat next to him. I leaned my cane against the table, might as well get that out there. I saw both of the blonds glance nervously at it.

"Hey Rose, Jaz," he began, "this is Bella. Carlisle and Esme's newest foster kid and our sister." I blinked; I hadn't expected him to call me his sister. "Bella, meet Rosalie and Jasper Hale," Emmett concluded, nodding towards them.

"Why do you have a cane?" the blond girl, Rosalie, asked in a wind-chime-y voice.

I narrowed my eyes defensively, "I was in an accident. I severely injured my L5 vertebra, pelvis, and both femurs." Both of the Hale's faces were masks of shock. "My horse fell on me."

_I'm blunt, what can I say?_

Alice expertly steered the conversation away from me, "So are we getting our usual?" Everyone voiced their agreement.

"We always get the Six-Scoop Sundae, so that we each get a scoop and then end up fighting over the last one. Now that you're here you can get the sixth scoop," she explained.

"So," Rosalie said, flipping open a menu, "What kind of ice cream do you guys want?"

Almost all at once everyone reached in towards the center of the table, hurrying to snatch a menu. Edward's hand bumped into mine, sending sparks of electricity up my arm.

I heard him draw in a shaky breath, "Sorry," he whispered in my ear.

"S'okay," I mumbled, blushing.

A rather bored—looking waitress came over to our table and asked, "What can I get for you?"

" We're getting the six scoop sundae – one scoop for each of us. I'll have my usual," Alice piped up, "Vanilla."

"Cherry Gracia," Jasper drawled.

"I'll have Whirled Peace," Rosalie said. She held out a thumb towards Emmett and added, "And he'll have the Phish Food"

"I'll have Half—Baked please," Edward replied politely.

"I guess I'll have New York Fudge Brownie," I finished.

Just then, a group of boys wearing football team jackets walked in roaring and hooting. "Yea! We beat La Push!" they made their way to our table, the blond boy in the lead tripped over my cane. "Which grandma in here left their cane on the floor?" he bellowed.

"_Excuse_ me, but that's mine and it most certainly was _not_ on the floor. If you were smart enough to watch where you were placing your big ass feet, you wouldn't have tripped over it," I snarled. .

Football Jerk turned to look at me, one of his Army of Sycophants gave a wolf whistle, I blushed. "Who the _hell_ are you? And you're no Grandma-so you _must_ be a freak. Only weirdos carry canes," Football Jerk concluded.

Edward shot up, causing our table to move. "Leave her alone Newton! You don't know anything," Edward snarled in my defense, as he leaned over me, getting in Football Jerk's face.

"Hey Ed_weird_, you must know _all_ about this weirdo. What is she your new girlfriend cuz only another even bigger_freak_ would go out with you," Football Jerk/Newton said.

Emmett got out from the booth and put a hand on Edward's and Football Jerk/Newton's chest, "Mike, Ed, cool it. Come on Mike, she's my new sister Give the girl a break."

Football Jerk shrugged away from Emmett. "Hey McCarthy, where the hell were you? We're lucky we won our game without our best Linebacker. It's good the flu's goin' around on the Rez 'cause we would have lost without you, if Black _and_ Ulley weren't sick."

"Hey look, I told Clapp I wouldn't be there. We had something important as a family to do," Emmett said. I realized Emmett missed his football game because I was coming. I instantly felt bad.

"Emmett, I'm sorry, if I had know I would have told you that it wasn't an-"

"Can it freak!" Football Jerk said. I had decided that I would call him that in my head.

A short girl with incredibly curly hair walked up to Football Jerk. She put her arm around his waist and snuggled up to him while he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Come on Mike, let's go," she simpered, "I can see its freaks-only night. We can party at my place."

Mike looked only at Emmett and Rosalie, "You can come McCarthy and Rosie, if you want to."

"Just go Mike, ," Emmett said. Just as Emmett said that, Rosalie shimmied out, pausing to shake her butt right in Emmett's face and began to follow Football Jerk and his crowd out. Emmett gave us a look that I thought meant,_I'm madly in love- what can I say?_ and followed Rosalie out.

Edward sat back down, gripping the table's edge so hard his knuckles were white enough to match the bleached white tabletop. "I'm sorry about Newton," his voice was strained, as if he was fighting the urge to chase after Football Jerk and punch him in the nose.

"It's fine. I was expecting this." I sighed, then continued, "Anyways, I'm having a really good time-" the three of them looked at me like I was crazy, "you know _inside my head_. I've been calling Newton Football Jerk. It's quite fun, you should try it sometime," I said, grinning.

My comment broke the tension at the table and we chuckled a little bit. I noticed Alice holding Jasper's hand under the table, I'd have to ask her about that later.

Then Jasper said, "Football Jerk," we all snickered, "has been nasty to all of us since he discovered he was mediocre enough to make the football team as a QB. He's only decent to Em because they're on the team together and he kind of has this hero-worship thing going on with him. He's a nice, sexist pig to Rose 'cause she's hot. Football Jerk hates me and Edward." I thought I saw a look pass between Edward and Jasper,

'Cause he thinks we're weird and Alice refuses to be 'handled'. I mean Rose, is like _crazily_ in love with Emmett, but they have this sort of understanding that Rose is…well…Rose, and she's obviously going to be…_touched_," he finished with a growl. I remembered he was Rose's brother and he'd obviously feel the need to protect her.

There was the sound of heels clicking on linoleum as our waitress came over to our table, carrying with her an enormous bowl piled high with ice cream in various colors.

"Here's your sundae," she set down the huge bowl with a soft clatter. The bowl wobbled precariously. _Back, forward, and forward and back._ It reminded me of how I was when I started to walk again. Hazardously and tentative, I'd taken those first few steps.

The bowl settled and I let out a very tiny sigh of relief.

The waitress laid down the spoons in a pile next to the bowl and walked away.

Alice grabbed the spoons with one hand, waving them in the air to punctuate her words, "So Rose and Em, have ditched us... Well I guess there's more for us." She doled out a spoon to Jasper and two to Edward. Edward passed a spoon to me, our fingers brushed and I jerked my hand back as a shock of electricity flew from the pads of his fingers to the tips of mine.

"Thanks," I mumbled. At that same moment I felt all of the blood in my body rush to my cheeks, taking them from ivory to scarlet in color.

"Yeah," Edward said, not meeting my eyes. He wore a pained expression and looked away from me. "Here," he spun the bowl of ice cream around, "your Fudge Brownie was on the opposite side."

We ate quickly, making few jokes and polite conversation. For the remainder of the evening Edward ignored me, always looking away from me. He didn't even speak to me.

Jasper, on the other hand, was a wonderful person to spend time with. He had a calming air around him that just eased everyone within a few feet of him.

Except for Edward.

Edward was... I fumbled for the right word. A conundrum. That's Edward in a nutshell. One moment he was so polite, the next he acted like he couldn't stand your presence.

Suddenly Edward was standing up and trying to get out from between me and Alice, "Hey Bella, maybe we should get you home before Carlisle and Esme flip on us." Mood switch again. He'd replaced loathing with caring.

"Okay..." I said, slightly confused. Getting up, I looked at Jasper, "Bye, It was nice to meet you."

I grabbed my cane and exited the booth. Edward and Alice slid out after me. We left the cafe and made our way back to the car. I sat in the backseat while Edward and Alice sat up front. Edward switched on the ignition and eased the car out of the parking lot .

The car was silent on the way back to the Cullen's. I thought about the events that had unfolded at the diner and I realized that even though I been living out my dream of becoming a champion rider before my accident, I'd missed out on a lot. I'd missed out on making close friends, having a boyfriend. Hell, I never even had the chance to figure out if I _liked_ guys.

And now that I didn't have horses to fill my days... I needed something to do. But more importantly, I needed to build a new life for myself.

I was going to go to school... with Football Jerk.

Eh, I could have suffered a worse fate.

* * *

It was nearing nine when we got home, as soon as we walked in the door Esme was all over us.

"So how was it? Who did you introduce Bella to? Did you have fun Bella?"

Alice smiled, "Slow down mom, one question at a time, just like we practiced. We had a good time, Bella met Rose, Jazz, Mike-" at that Edward hissed and I snorted, Football Jerk-"Em went to hang out with Mike and some of the football team, said he'd be home by eleven, Bella acted like she had a great time," Alice looked pointedly at me.

"Oh yeah, we had a great time-laughed at some jokes," I lied, although the look of horror on Esme's face, and the pursed lips and wide eyes on Alice's face told me I did not lie _well_.

Esme frowned, "How bad was it? Tell me straight."

I took a deep breath, "Well Rosalie _acted_ cool with it; Jasper didn't seem to really care. It was Mike who made a stink," I said and then added, "no biggie, I was expecting as much."

Esme made an, _I don't really believe yo__u, but okay_ face and snapped her fingers, pointing up the stairs, "Bed. Now," she said. Edward and Alice headed up stairs, but I hung back.

"Do you think…I could…you could maybe…enroll me in school?" I asked nervously. "I haven't been to an actual school since I was twelve…and I thought I'd like to try it. To tell the truth, I'm quite fascinated with all this 'high school drama'." I made air quotes around, high school drama.

Esme hugged me, again making me think of the mom I'd never had, and said, "Yes. Sure, we'll push the papers throughASAP, so that you could start school in a couple of days. Now go to bed," she said, kissing my forehead and releasing me.

* * *

**I'm too lazy to come up with my own ice cream flavors, so I stole Ben & Jerry's (I also do not own those). Also, I'm not trying to set-up for femme/slash here, I just wanted to bring up an issue that most teens have: their sexual orientation. Which I think would be a _truly_ foreign aspect of life for Bella because she's never really encountered people her age that she wasn't competing against.**

**I truly am INSANELY sorry for the long wait for an update (did I just rhyme? I'm such a nerd :P ). Hope you can forgive me.**

**Hey answer this question for me in a review: What's your favorite ice cream flavor?**

**~ LOVE, Sam**

**PS- On my profile I have links to my LJ and Twitter. Add me! I love to talk to new people.**


	5. Expectations

**I'M SORRY! I suck, I know, I know. You're allowed to yell at me in a review.**

**Angsty pelvic thrusts to my Beta elusivetwilight. She literally (or as Rob would say "lit'rally") had to fly over and kick my ass over to Budapest, where Rob had to beat me repeatedly with his sexy-did I say sexy? I meant 'spiffy', definately 'spiffy' *shifty eyes*-untill I got this bitch right and posted it. Oh and did I say walking sticks, no matter how erotic Rob makes it, hurt! Seriously.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, school, or town. I do however, own the plot lines. Please don't steal.**

* * *

_Monday morning wake up knowing that you've got to go to school_  
_Tell your mum what to expect, she says it's right out of the blue—_**Expectations by Belle and ****Sebastian

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|September 23, 2010|

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The next few days were a flurry of Esme acting as the mother figure. She signed me up for school, and took Alice out of school early one afternoon, so that we could go shopping for clothes and school supplies. Alice was a shop-a-holic and also, a future fashion designer, (or so she claimed).

Trailing along behind the two of them, I was ready to throw up.

Alice had finally decided to only go with slightly tomboyish, but still feminine, basics, for me. She picked up items such as skinny jeans, Chucks, fitted flannel tops, long-sleeve tees to layer with short-sleeved ones, a couple skirts, and a few hoodies. Which, surprisingly, I actually enjoyed.

I myself added some punk-ish accessories, for the first time getting in touch with my inner girl. For most of my life, I had just been wearing things that were practical, never anything I thought was cute. Well except for my Ovation Zocks and black Hunter Wellington Boots with the red warmers. The whole day was a nice experience, but I also found it exhausting trailing behind Esme and Alice.

The night before my first day of school, Alice and I finalized my outfit: a black and white checkered flannel top with dark wash skinny jeans. I topped it off with my best accessories: my newest staple, a Burberry bag I'd fallen in love with, my Chucks, and a great black-watch plaid baseball cap.

"You are going to look fabulous!" Alice exclaimed, "Wait until they see you! Man, any guy who made fun of you at the diner will be wishing they were on your good side tomorrow!"

I blushed deeply, "Hey speaking of…is there something going on with you and Jasper?" I asked raising my eyebrows suggestively. Two days of hanging out with Alice, and I was beginning to feel all girly.

"Yes!" she squeaked. "But nothing like sex…yet." We giggled.

She bit her lip and continued, "Don't tell Edward, he and Jaz have this love/hate relationship because of something that happened last year.."

"What happened?" the question flew from my lips before I could call it back.

She gave me an apologetic look, "I don't think I should be the one to tell you that Bella," her voice wasn't rude, but definitely firm. "Edward will tell you when he's ready."

There were so many questions I desperately wanted to ask. Instead, I bit the inside of my cheek. I wondered if Alice just wasn't telling me, because her brother hated me.

"It's not that e he doesn't like you,. I promise," she said, answering my thoughts. Alice got up to gaive me a quick hug and as she exited said, " 'Nite Bella."

That morning, my alarm rudely went off at six, jolting me awake. Half-asleep, I fumbled for my cane, and got dressed. I headed downstairs to find Esme standing in the kitchen making fresh toast and eggs.

"Oh, you didn't have to make me anything for breakfast," I said.

Esme smiled, "I didn't. I did it because Emmett would kill us all if he didn't have anything to eat," she joked. The other Cullen siblings joined us eventually, taking a plate of breakfast.

Soon Alice, Edward, and Emmett and I were finished eating. I brushed my teeth, and grabbed my books. , Stumbling back downstairs, I waved goodbye to Esme. The short car ride to school was over too quickly, and I nervously began my first day of high school.

* * *

I had first hour Literature with Edward. He directed me to the classroom, and everyone stared at us. He must have noticed my nervousness, "If it makes you feel any better, that guy isn't staring-oh he just looked," Edward whispered in his velvet voice. I rolled my eyes. Apparently, he was my friend today.

Once we entered the English room, everyone, including the teacher, stopped whatever they were doing to look at me and Edward. I started forward, blushing furiously and Edward walked beside me.

He quickly made introductions and I felt myself flush brighter, "Mrs. Meyer this is Bella, my sister. She's new." She took the paper I had in my outstretched hands and glanced at it briefly before returning her gaze back to Edward and me.

She then said, as if I wasn't there, "Is she…needy?"

Edward made a _tsk_ sound and said in my defense, "No she-"

I interrupted with a little _mhm_.

Mrs. Meyer's eyes widened, her attention turning to me, as I looked her squarely in the eye, "I am not stupid or needy. I was in an accident, where my horse fell on top of me. It is a miracle I can walk, even with a cane. And just because I carry a cane, does not make me any different than anyone here. I read at a college level, so do not act like I am too stupid to not understand what you are saying," I snarled. I really, _really_ hated being underestimated.

She looked a little taken aback, but quickly recovered. She turned to the rest of the students, and cleared her throat, "Class! In your seats please, we have a new student. Her name is Isabella Swan, please give her a warm welcome."

Edward carefully picked his way to the back of the classroom and sat down in an empty desk; I followed him, and sat in the only available seat, between him and a girl with long brown hair and glasses.

The girl leaned over and whispered, "Hi. I'm Angela."

I turned to face her and smiled, "Bella, nice to meet you."

"You too," she smiled, "What period do you have study hall?"

"Third," I answered. "How about you?"

She nodded and whispered she was in third as well.

With that, the torture began. Throughout the class I hear various rumors and murmurings about me and my cane, such as, "She's freaky," or "Is she the girl that dissed Mike in public?", or the one that made me wonder the most was, "Is she the newest victim of Masen and Whitlock? God, they've lowered their standards."

The next period was history with Alice. That class was worse because the teacher, Mr. Burke, forced me to introduce myself to the class. Then, on my way to my seat in the back of the class, I tripped over someone's books, earning me some more snickers.

I had been diligently taking notes, when I first heard Edward's name mentioned in Forks High gossip. It came from the girl with curly hair, who I recognized from my first night in Forks, "Yeah, I don't know why Edward won't let me give him his fix anymore. Ever since he came back he's been so…different," she was talking to a girl with long corn silk hair in front of me.

"Mhm, evah since he came back from Gawd knows where, it's like…he doesn't want it anymore," she replied. She spoke with an odd accent. I thought it might have been from New York.

"Jasper, too…it's like, aren't we, you know, good enough for him?" Curls added.

"Mike said something about that creepy new girl being their newbie," Corny hissed and shot a look in my direction. I hurriedly tried to look down at my paper, blushing. She smiled sickly at me.

"Oh," she clucked, "I'm Lauren, you must be the new girl right?" This Lauren girl had a rather nasally, unpleasant voice.

"Nice to meet you," I mumbled, but they had already turned around and continued to talk animatedly.

The bell rang, and as I stepped into the hallway, Alice instantly zoomed towards me, "You know where your study hall is, right?" she asked, smiling.

"Yeah," I replied.

I got up slowly and worked my way through the crowds to my study hall. Once I walked in, I saw that Lauren and Curls had this study hall as well. I suppressed the urge to attempt a mad dash out of there, screaming. Instead, I walked to up to the teacher at her desk, my head bent, so I was looking at my feet shuffle along the drab, orange-flecked carpet.

Everyone stared. The teacher looked up from her computer screen upon which, she had been diligently typing on, to ask, "Who are you?"

I handed her my schedule and felt a hot blush race to my cheeks, "I'm Isabella Swan—I'm new."

"Oh. Okay then, I'm Mrs. Perky. You can just choose a desk and sit on down," she said and went back to her typing.

I turned back and could feel the eyes of my fellow students on me. I hastily picked a desk in the back of the classroom. As I sat down in the desk, my chair creaked and my cane banged against the legs of the desk.

Right after the bell rang, Angela rushed into class, Mrs. Perky looked up from her typing to say, "You're late Angela.," she said.

"I'm sorry. —I got caught up with Mr. Burke," she said, and slid into the seat next to me.

Mrs. Perky stopped to glare only for a moment and returned to her typing.

"Who's Mr. Burke?" I asked her in a whisper.

"The math teacher," she replied, "I take calculus."

"Oh," I bit my lip, thinking. Before I could look back I said, "Can I ask you something?'

"Yeah. What?"

"What's the deal with Edward Cullen?"

She sighed, "Masen. Edward Masen, his last name is Masen. Well, last year he and Jasper Hale did this thing. Basically they drank, got high, and got laid. They fucked every girl here. Except Alice Cullen. Edward wouldn't let Jasper do her. They got into a pretty big fight about it. Punches were thrown; they gotwere suspended for a couple days. But then in February, Edward disappeared. No one knows where he went_."_

I would have never expected that, Edward and Jasper seemed so normal, or Jasper at least. Edward was the most polite guy I'd ever met. In was inconceivable that he would do something like that. "Why does Newton hate Edward?"

"Well Mike Newton is…the kind of guy that will throw himself at any girl with a chest. He and Edward were okay with each other, I mean he wasn't a friend in the way Jasper was, but they were still 'party friends.' Then he started to go after Alice, and Edward freaked. Alice kept trying to tell Mike she wasn't interested, but he kept going. And Edward just—snapped. He beat the crap out of him. Edward broke a couple of fingers . But Mike, he had a broken nose, a broken rib and was covered in black and blue. Edward was out of school for a week."

I couldn't fathom this Edward. Edward seemed placid and kind, well most of the time, at least. This version of Edward seemed so foreign to me. I decided that I'd give him the benefit of the doubt; any kid that was adopted would probably have emotional baggage. There was one question I had left; it had been burning a hole inside me since Angela had mentioned that their 'mission' was to screw every girl in this school, except Alice. I stuffed the notion away, not wanting to ruin a possible friendship.

So in reply I said, "Wow."

"Yeah..." she trailed off.

"Girls!" Mrs. Perky hissed, "Please be quiet, some of us are trying to write a novel."

I blushed. "Sorry Mrs. Perky," Angela mumbled.

At the end of the period Angela said, "Do you want to have lunch with me?"

I smiled. I was glad someone other than the Cullens wanted me around. "Yeah sure," I replied.

"Great. I have world history now, so can you meet me there after class? We can walk together to the lunch room?" she asked kindly.

I nodded, "That would be great." I headed off to Spanish, a smile on my face.

The Spanish teacher, Señor Lutz, thankfully didn't make me introduce myself; he just gave me a book, and sent me to a seat behind Lauren and Curls. The two were, as per usual, talking loudly to each other. It was hard not to eavesdrop, the whole class could probably hear most of their conversation.

"So did you see Webber all over the new girl with the cane?" Corny asked.

"Mhm, she's probably trying to get her into having sex with her, the lesbo," Curls hissed.

"Yeah. She's such a lesbo crack whore," Corny whispered.

"Oh eem gee! Exactly, ever since we started high school, she's been so weird," Curls added.

"Did ya here that her dad left her mom this summer?" Corny asked.

"No! Why?" Curls said.

"Apparently he was having an affair with Mrs. Cope," Corny replied.

"Eww! What a slut!" Curls exclaimed, causing Señor Lutz to stop speaking.

"Is there a problem Ms. Stanley?" he asked, one blond eyebrow raised.

Curls sank in her seat, "Gosh no, Señor L! I was… responding to... to… Ms. Swan's question about her class-mate."

Signor Lutz made a _tsk_-ing noise, pointed out the door and said, "Office, Ms. Stanley." Curls got up reluctantly and hurried out the door. Signor Lutz rubbed his hands together and asked, "Now where were we?"

Class passed slowly, and when the bell finally rang, I was too happy to shut my book and shove it into my bag. I struggled out of the classroom, and joined the swell of students in the hallway. Well, I was planning to meet Angela at the history class room, but, my locker didn't want to cooperate. This was still my first day of getting used to opening these contraptions, and they hated me and as much as I hated them.

Half way through lunch, I had still made no progress with opening my locker, when a soft musical voice whispered in my ear, "Need assistance?"

I jumped about five feet in the air, sending my cane flying.

"Oh. Edward," I said. I was nervous talking to him, after hearing the rumors.

He grinned crookedly, "Sorry I frightened you. We were worried about you, so I volunteered to look for you." He bent down and picked up my cane; he reached out his hand for me to take it.

I gingerly took it from him, "Thanks," I said blushing.

"You're welcome," he said. "You want some help with that?" he asked, nodding towards the Locker of Doom.

"Yes. This thing hates me more than I hate Football Jerk," I said, easing into the conversation.

He very gently pushed me aside and put his fingers to the lock, "What's the combination?"

Lucky for me, this annoying occurrence had allowed me to memorize my combination. "38, 20, 2," I told him.

With a few quick flicks of his wrist, the locker swung open. "Ta-da," he said.

I reached into it, grabbed my lunch, and snapped it closed. "How did you do that?"

"Years of practice. Now let's get you to lunch before it ends," he said, chuckleding.

"What?" I asked. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," he smiled, shaking his head and shook his head. He led me through the halls and stopped at two large open doors.

"The cafeteria," he said. As we stepped across the threshold of the cafeteria, I instantly felt a nearly tangible change in Edward. He was no longer the boy I was talking to in the hall; he was something, someone else. A tenser, more guarded Edward.

"Thanks," I said.

"No problem," he whispered, "you can sit with us."

"I told Ang-"

"Alice took care of it," he told me.

"Oh," I replied, and looked in the direction he was heading towardslooking. And hHe was right. Next to Alice was Angela, looking slightly uncomfortable. Once they saw me, Alice started to wave me over.

I slid into the seat next Angela, while Edward sat down in the seat next to Jasper, so that he was across from me.

"Hey Bella," Alice said.

"Hi Alice," I said

"Where were you?" Angela asked.

"My locker was not cooperating," I explained.

"Oh," she said, "This is your first year of public high school right?"

"Erm," I mumbled, "Yeah, who told you that?"

"I did," Alice piped up, "Sorry Bella, I didn't know you'd have a problem with that."

I sighed, "No it's not. I trust you Ang I just, it…"

She smiled, "I get it. Totally. Trust me, since my dad left I completely get the whole 'no gossip for me' thing."

"Oh. Okay," I said.

The final half of lunch passed in silence as I observed everyone at the table. Alice and Jasper kept having little side looks and touches, like when Alice 'accidentally' bumped her leg into Jasper's. It was quite cute.

Edward slowly picked apart his bagel with long white fingers, his lips moving so quickly and quietly I couldn't make out what he was saying.

The bell rang, and I headed off to biology with Edward. He was still acting…off. I just couldn't put my finger on it; when Edward wasn't around the Forks High populace he was nice, polite, sweet, and sometimes, he was even funny . Although, when he was inside the hallowed halls of Forks High School, he was reserved and guarded. I wouldn't say shy, because he seemed to be a normally quiet person. He reminded me of a powerful, wild animal trying to slip unnoticed through a room full of dizzy kindergartners.

We walked into biology together, and as usual, everyone stared. Although this time I wasn't sure if it was because of my cane. Edward softly introduced me to our science teacher, Mr. Banner. Edward's lab table was the only available table, so by default, I was his lab partner.

Seated at the table behind us was Satan himself, Football Jerk, and Lilith personified, Curls. I heard her whisper to Football Jerk, "So did you hear that the creepy new girl is Edward's new bitch?"

I glanced out of the corner of my eye to look at Edward; the boy looked like he was having a spinal tap. His hands were curled into fists on the table. I swore I could hear Edward count to ten under his breath. As Edward turned to glance in my direction, I quickly looked away, blushing. I dared not meet his eyes, but I could feel them burn into the side of my head.

Even with gossip to overhear, the period seemed to snail along. Edward was so tense, I wanted to throw him out a window. After an eternity of Edward studying the side of my head, the period was over. Just as the bell rang, Edward was up and out of the door. I felt like I had been slapped across the face, he'd been so concerned that he'd needed to stare at me the whole period but then doesn't even fucking wait to tell me where the gym is. _  
_

Even though I had a note explaining that I couldn't participate in gym, I still had to show up for attendance, and then I could head off to the media center to do homework . So after I'd been marked 'present,' I started to make my way through the halls. It was the last period of the day, so I decided that I would stop off at my locker to pack up, before going to the media center.

As I rounded the bend to my locker, I stopped dead in my tracks. An icy chill washed over me as I hear an all-too familiar voice snarl, "Who the fuck do think you are?"

There was a metallic banging and someone said, "Ow. Fuck, damnit."

"Don't you dare fuck with Bella Swan," the velvet voice snarled. I took a deep breath and walked around the corner.

Edward was holding Mike Newton up against the wall. There were some scratches on Edward's face and his emerald eyes were aflame with rage. He moved to bang Mike up against the wall of lockers.

"No!" I shouted, "Edward, please, stop."

Edward's eyes flickered to gaze at me. There was a brief, fleeting moment where when our eyes locked, and I saw a flash of something in his eyes, but I wasn't sure. For a moment, it almost looked like fear. Then the guarded look was back. He slowly released a rather horrified-looking Mike. If I weren't so shocked at Edward, I would have laughed. Mike quickly picked his books up off the floor, and dashed away. Well, that wasmust be how he got to be on the football team.

Now I was mad. E_xceedingly_ mad. Edward could act like he hated being my lab partner but then had to leap to my defense? It pissed me off. Did he just assume that because I was slightly disabled, that I couldn't stand up for myself? Was that it? Was it pity for the poor cripple?

There was only one person who could explain it all to me. There was only one problem.

That person was Edward, and I _really_ did not want to talk to him.

"Bella," he whispered.

"Don't," I snapped, "Don't, Edward."

"Bella I just—" Edward stammered.

"You what?" I retorted. "Thought that because I have a cane I couldn't take care of myself? Well I'm a big girl, Eddie. I. Don't. Need. Your. Fucking. Help. Or shitty sympathies."

Then the fucking bell rang and what felt like all of Forks High streamed into the hallway; filling the physical void between us.

* * *

**I'm gonna say one big ol' SORRY again. I feel so awful. I really do. I'll try to update once (or twice) every two weeks. I really will. And just an FYI if you want to know why I'm not updating or if I'm alive then follow me on Twitter (link is on the profile) because Tweet when I'm around, weither it's trolling on the forums or fangirling over Rob you'll probaby see a Tweet that is me kicking myself for not updating.**

**Also, I've posted a *new* link on my profile. It's the link to the Equines and Delirium chapter title playlist! And I have another link that I'd like to send you to (but I don't have a link up on my profile yet). I also have a more fanfiction centered blog. My LJ will still be updated and stuff but this one is ALL about the fic, it has helpful links and more (including a playlist that a write to)!**

**You can find it here: www(dot)evilblackpoppies(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**And finally your question du jour: What was your worst experience in high school? or What do _you_ think is Edward's true story?**

**Love, Sam**


	6. Enjoy the Silence

**I suck. I know. *prepares to be hit by shoes***

**Mucho love to the Beta, elusive. Mwah. **

**And no, Twilight did not somehow magically become mine while I was gone.**

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_Words like violence break the silence  
Come crashing in into my little world  
Painful to me, pierce right through me  
__Can't you understand, oh my little girl?_**-Enjoy the Silence by Depche Mode**

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**|October 2, 1009|

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I reached Biology mere seconds before the bell rang. I hastily shuffled to my seat. I plopped down in the cool plastic chair, my bag fell to the ground with a heavy _thud_. My relationship with Edward developed over the weeks. It was a shaky one that was dictated by his mood swings. Some days he was relaxed with me, others were tense.

It puzzled me to the point of insanity.

Today though, Edward was nowhere in sight.

I'd seen him earlier and we'd shared some small talk at the beginning of the lunch period, but that was about it. The rest of our midday meal I'd talked to Alice and Angela about our upcoming weekend plans and he shut out the rest of the world with his iPod.

"Today class," Dr. Banner said as he bustled around the classroom gathering supplies, "We're going to do something different and slightly irrelevant to our current curriculum. Except it _will_ be something that you will eventually use in your daily life."

I stiffened in my seat. My hands gripped the bottom of the seat so hard I hear the plastic buckle. I knew what was coming.

"As many of you know, our school will be holding it's annual blood drive this weekend," Dr. Banner walked around the room passing out slides and needles, "So I figured it would be appropriate for us to do blood typing today."

My heart rate sky rocketed. I was terrified of blood. The thought of it made me weak-kneed and nauseous. The sight of it caused those feelings to intensify, sometimes I vomited. The _smell_ though, that was the worst... It caused me to faint.

He set down the equipment onto the black counter top of my lab table. Students began to prick their fingers and the sick, coppery, salty scent of human blood began to over power me. I fought against the bile that flew up my throat. My eyes fluttered and I swayed in my seat. My hands quickly shot up to brace against the table so I didn't fall.

"Dr. Bernner?" I said very shakily, "I alrea-" I was cut off as the door swung open and loudly hit the wall.

"SorryI'mlate," a velvet voice said so quickly all the words bled together. Or was that just me losing consciousness? "Bella?" Edward asked "Bella are you all right?" I looked up to meet his green eyes, filled with worry and concern. He raced over to me. Crouching so that he was on eye-level with me he asked, "Bella? Bella can you hear me?"

Suddenly his strong warm arms were underneath me, cradling me against his chest. I could barely catch his scent of cigarettes (which looking back had caused me to wonder, for I'd never seen him smoke), leather, and something sweet that I couldn't identify. "I'm taking her to the nurse," his voice said firmly, I felt his chest move as he spoke. He turned and carried me out of the classroom.

Once we were outside he set me down on a bench in between the various school buildings. His dazzling eyes met mine, searching for something wrong. My breathing was still shallow. I began to panic because I couldn't get enough air. "Deep breaths Bella," he said reading my mind.

"I... can't..." I gasped nervously.

"Yes. You. Can," he said. His eyes changed from worried to determined in a nanosecond, "With me. In, out, in, out..." he continued to repeat those words until my breathing regulated. He set his hands on my shoulders, sending electric shocks up and down my body. "Can you talk?"

"Thank-you," I sighed.

"Hematophobia?" he asked.

I nodded, "Ever since I was a little kid... Where were you?"

"I was in my car, smoking and listening to a CD." I wanted to protest against that statement, but as much as it pained me to admit it, there was some truth to his words.

"But Alice texted me saying you were in trouble," I remembered him telling me that Alice could be somewhat psychic, "and I came back as fast as I could." He smiled, "Looks like I was just in time, too."

I blushed deeply. I was so ashamed of how much help I needed these days. I used to be able to control 1,000 pound animals all by myself. Now I could barely walk two steps without nearly killing myself. "Thanks again," I said. I thought about what just happened, and puzzlement flashed across my mind. "How did you know what to do when I was panicking?"

"Let's just say that I'm not a stranger to panic attacks." I could tell from his tone that he didn't want to talk about it. He stood up from his crouch. He offered me his hand, "Come on. Let's get your stuff and take you home."

I looked at his hand, "We didn't even go to the nurse..."

"It's okay. Banner won't care," he replied, "C'mon." He gently pulled me up and, using him for support, we walked back in the direction we came.

The interior of Edward's car was very clean. So neat in fact, that I had a feeling that if I were to open the glove box his CDs would be in alphabetical order. Hell, his car still had that 'new car' smell. During the few times I'd been in his car I'd been in the back seat with Alice, whose incessant babble could distract anyone, so I hadn't noticed how he kept his car.

I reached towards the radio's power button, "What were you listening to?" I asked as my fingers pushed down on the cool button. Instantly, Brian Molko's voice oozed from the speakers.

"It's just a British band, you probably wouldn't know it," he said, turning on the engine.

"No Placebo's cool," I assured him. He froze and gave me one of his award wining stares that could mean anything. As Edward drove out of the school parking lot an awkward silence settled in. We let the music wash over us.

_Wedding bells ain't gonna chime  
With both of us guilty of crime  
And both of us sentenced to time  
And now we're all alone_

_

* * *

_

**EPOV**

Of course the song that came on was 'Protect Me From What I Want'. Of fucking course.

That song fitted that situation in a nutshell. Every time I saw her, it felt as though I was burning. I thirsted for her like an addict does their latest fix. I wanted her. I _needed_ to make her mine. Mine, mine, mine-to claim her so that no one else could have her. Me and mine alone. I wanted to make my mark in the only way I knew how. I wanted to make her body mine. My Every fiber of my very being screamed at me to take her.

Except I couldn't.

I had sworn six months ago that I wouldn't ever do what I did before. What I had done in the very seat that she was siting in. Because if I allowed myself to do that, then I would allow myself to do the things that came with the audacious sex.

And I could _never_ allow that to happen.

I looked over at Bella out of the corner of my eyes. I met the most beautiful melted chocolate ones doing the exact same thing. The song ended, and in the brief five seconds of silence between songs I heard her breath hitch. It was quite possibly one of the sexiest things I've ever heard. It beat out Fiona Apple's rich alto (I'd had a thing for her since I was a kid. No one knows about it to this day).

_You could take her right now_, a voice told me. I knew what the voice's face looked like. A half-crazed green-eyed monster with large black pupils.

"No," I growled under my breath. In my determination to not stop the Volvo and fuck her like a mad man I gripped the steering wheel so tight I might have cut off all of the circulation in my fingers.

A new song started.

She turned and gave me a puzzled look, as she'd done so often, "Excuse me?"

I shook my head quickly, as if the violent movement could toss my explicit thoughts from my head. "Nothing. I'm sorry"

"Oh." Silence. "Edward?" she asked, her voice higher than usual.

"Yes," I uttered the word barely after she'd finished speaking.

"Can I ask you something?" There was something in the tone of her voice that told me this wasn't going to be a mundane topic. I knew she'd heard the rumors. Hell, I knew that she suffered from them possibly more than I did. I nodded and braced myself for the hardest question to answer.

I wanted to know what she was going to ask me, "What," but changed my mind, I didn't want to push it, "Never mind."

She reached towards the 'fast forward' button. My hand flung out and gently grabbed her wrist. The contact with her skin sent little electrical shocks through my body. It made me nervous. "Why do you want to change it? Bush is great."

She blushed. "I don't mind Bush that much... I'm just not a fan of the song."

"What?" I asked, confused. "'Come Down is a _fantastic_ song! I didn't know it was humanly possible for someone to _not_ like."

"Well then maybe, I'm not human," she joked.

I let go of her wrist and brushed against the ivory of her neck that her ponytail exposed. As our bare skin met the electric sparks flew again. I leaned in, and whispered into her ear, "Well then maybe you're a vampire."

Suddenly I realized what I was doing and jerked my hand. Rigidly, I placed it back on the steering wheel, turning my head toward the road.

The stiff silence returned, and stayed there, until we were home.

* * *

**BPOV**  
**  
**Edward was... confusing me. He was making my heart jump in my chest, and my skin tingle at his touch. His words said that he was flirting, his actions said that as well. But as soon as he seemed to get too close to me, he recoiled with the speed of a viper. He was making me want to slam my head against something. _Hard._

I just didn't know what to think.

I sighed and looked at my shoes, their black canvas jumping out against the white tile of the Cullen's kitchen.

Edward dropped his car keys on the counter top with a loud, _thunk_ that brought me out of my reprieve. "Bella?'

I looked up, "Yes?"

He reached out for a second, as though he was going to grab my hand, but changed his mind, again.

Snatching his hand back, he muttered, "Come on, let's go up to my room." Before I could respond, he'd turned his back to me and made his way towards the stairs.

I continued to watch the back of his black long-sleeved t-shirt while we made our way towards his room. He stopped in front of the plain white door at the end of the right side hallway. I felt my stomach turn with nervousness.

Would his opening of this door also unlock the truth behind the rumors?

He stepped to the side as the door in question swung open.

He did a silly butler-esque bow, and in an equally ridiculous faux-British accent, "Ladies first, madam." I held my breath as I crossed the threshold.

The first thing I noticed was the back wall. It was one giant window, giving him an excellent view of the surrounding forest. Against the window was an armless black leather couch, positioned in the dead center of the window. His walls were covered with a brilliant shade of azure blue, except for the one on my right hand side. This wall was absolutely _covered_ with music. He had some form of every medium of recording ever used, 45s, vinyl, CDs... when I say everything, I mean _everything. _As I allowed my eyes to scan his collection I noticed that, like I imagined his CDs in his car's glove box were, every single piece of music paraphernalia was organized by genre and alphabetized by artist.

In the center of the room was his incredibly large,-most likely king-size,-four-poster bed. Its golden sheets were unmade and strew all over the mattress, as if he tossed and turned wildly in his sleep. On the bedside table was an unbelievably large stack of books. Skimming the titles, I noted that much like his music collection, he had a range of topics. Everything from Bronte to Chuck Palahniuk, to Shelley and Stoker.

I heard Edward's footfalls as he stepped into the room. I felt his cool breath brush against the bare skin of my neck that my ponytail exposed, alerting me to his closeness. His body seemed to radiate off electricity, causing the small fine hairs on the back of my neck to rise. "Uhh," he began awkwardly. I stepped to the side so that I was next to him. "So... this is my room," he finished.

I was in awe of everything. I didn't really have any expectations for his room, but I hadn't expected it to look so... so _normal_. Then again, what had I expected? Something to match the rumors? Maybe a red thong on one of his bed's four posters and a dime bag? I had no clue.

The one thing I was certain of was the fact that I was beginning to hate these awkward silences. First in the car, and now in here.

I scrambled for something to say,"You have..." I trailed off searching for the right words, "a _shit-ton_ of music."

I walked over to the music wall. Raising the hand that wasn't clasped to my cane, I ran my fingers over the spines of some of the records. I stopped on one 180 gram vinyl. Slowly and carefully, I eased it out, looking at the familiar image of a flashlight on a black backdrop. "You have this on _vinyl_?" I asked, surprised.

Edward stepped over to stand next me. "Yeah," he muttered, "It was a Christmas present... from Alice... a few years ago." He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. More awkward silence. Once again, I found his body so close I felt the strange little electric sparks jump from his skin to mine. I slid the LP back into its place. All of the sudden Edward blurted out, "Do you want me to play it?"

It seemed so forced, like he was just as uncomfortable as I was with this silence. I grabbed the first CD I saw, hurrying to fill the dead air between us. Thrusting the CD into his hands, he grabbed hold of it before it fell to the floor. Our fingers briefly touched, and I wondered if he saw me jump.

"Would you play this one please," I said with way too much enthusiasm.

He seemed surprised at the slightly spastic manner, in which I gave him the compact disk, but he crouched down, and placed it in the player that resided on a lower shelf on the wall. "Depeche Mode," he said, "interesting choice."

"How so?"

"Well not so much as _interesting_ as... surprising," Edward began. "In the car you seemed more an alternative and post-grunge person," I shot him a confused look, "You know, the Placebo and Bush."

"It was my assumption that you thought I didn't like Bush because I tried to change one song," I retorted. "Anyways, it's possible for someone to like multiple genres of music." I scanned his shelves to find a rather large classical collection. It was probably second largest to his alternative collection. "You do too."

He shot me a glare that I wasn't sure of. It looked to be mocking, but I thought there might have been a little truth to it.

"Well... umm," he managed. "You can grab a book or something and... read, I guess. I have more books, I'd just have to dig them out from under the bed."

Why did he keep his books under the bed? I didn't want to ponder the idea though, I was already frustrated enough with Edward Masen. I shuffled over to his bedside table and slid out a copy of _Othello__,_our current English assignment,from the pile, and made my way over to the couch. Leaning my cane against the window, I curled up on the couch, flipping the book's pages rapidly, searching for the section I was at. I didn't expect the leather to be as worn as it was, maybe he had bought it distressed. Somehow I couldn't see Edward sitting on this couch. Quickly flipping the pages to the third scene of Act Three, I found my spot in the play. Satisfied, I began to read the old and familiar text with ease.

_"Men should be what they seem;_

_Or those that be not, would they might seem none!"_

_

* * *

_

**EPOV**

I fucking hated how the awkward silences settled over us just after we'd started to connect. And yes, I did know that my shit from last year was the elephant in room. I just couldn't tell her. Not now. Even with awkward silences it was nice to know someone who _didn't_ know how badly I fucked up last year. It was a relief, she didn't pest, asking where I went, what happened... It was settling.

The music she'd selected wasn't my first choice, but anything to fill the silence that had us locked in its iron fist. She seemed somehow unaware of the inner battle I was fighting.

I walked away from my shelves of music and towards my bed. I hadn't made it in probably two years, but now it was causing me embarrassment. Which was weird. When I'd brought the others into my room, I hadn't worried about it. Although that might have been because I'd always done it on the couch, never the bed.

The sheets were still tangled from my latest nightmare. I shrugged to myself. Grabbing my leather bound journal, I hopped onto the bed.

As open the notebook to where my pen stuck out, I-once again-winced again at the oddly appropriate music choice. Depeche Mode's 'Enjoy the Silence'.

Not happening for me.

_"Vows are spoken_

_To be broken_

_Feelings are intense_

_Words are trivial_

_Pleasures remain_

_So does the pain_

_Words are meaningless_

_And forgettable"_

While the CD played on I wrote of earlier today, of my feelings of seeing Bella experiencing something I was so familiar with. I didn't want her to share _any_ experience with me. Furiously, I penned my anguish. I still swear, in that moment my vision had red at the edges. I slammed my pen down, making an angry, black period mark. With the weight and power of an eighteen-wheeler, realization hit me. My jaw dropped at what I'd written.

_I want to take her into my arms and shield her from anything that could hurt her._

Oh crap.

Feelings of confusion, self-loathing, and frustration coursed through me. So once again, I turned to my journal. Pouring my feelings on to the leather-bound notebook like a madman.

The CD played over again.

I paused in my writing, pen hovering over the lined page. Looking up a Bella on the couch, I smiled slightly. She was asleep, the book open faced on the ground. She looked innocent and child-like... something that I was not. Could never be. The mid-afternoon sun hit her chestnut hair, creating red highlights. I wanted to run my hands through it, and bury my face in it.

_Stop_, practically yelling at myself for thinking about touching her in a way that wasn't strictly platonic. She frowned slightly in her sleep. Not so much a frown as a pout. Bella mumbled something and rolled over in her sleep.

It was all so fucking adorable.

_Adorable? _Did I just saw 'adorable'? I don't think I'd ever said adorable in the last _ten years_. I was sure as shit going crazy. I looked down at the ink covered paper.

"Edward."

I snapped up, locking my eyes on Bella. She'd turned back over so that I could see her face. She was still asleep. Then who said my name? To my surprise, her pink, full lips moved and mumbled something that sounded like my name, again.

Huh, Bella was a sleep-talker. Even more curious, she was saying my name. Why? Did she... was she, did Bella-I stopped myself mid-thought. How many times would I have to tell myself today that I absolutely, positively _could __**not**_ think about her this way?

It would bring the monster back.

I'd locked him deep inside the dark recesses of my soul, and he wasn't coming out.

* * *

**So did ya like EPOV? New theories, anybody?**

**(PS- if anyone's still reading this I love each and every one of you.) **


	7. Little Black Backpack

**Hell again everyone. How was our month? Angsty pelvic thrusts to elusivetwilight for Beta'ing. Srsly folks, she's awesome (and threatening to come and get me if keep up with my insane use of hyphens and 'dot dot dots' ... love ya too bb**** ) And a HUGE THANK-YOU to MsforMarisa from Twi-Fic-Grafix for making me a LOVELY BANNER (link on the profile.)**

**Also mes amis, I've been re-formatting the previous chapters to add in some dates to help give this story a time frame. It's set in 2009 because that's when I started to write it. (A year ago in August-insane right? Especially when I only have seven chapters .) So please go back and give them a once over.**

**Usual disclaimers apply here. All Twilight aspects belong to Stephine Meyer. Everything else belongs to Evil Black Poppies Copyright 2009/2010. **

**Oh and if you're under eighteen, who the fuck are you kidding and go back to the T-rated stories. Seriously. And if anything of the citrus variety disturbs you, turn back now.**

**

* * *

**

_Don't wanna  
Don't wanna talk about it  
I say why not?  
Don't wanna think about it  
I say there's got to be some good reason__**- Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9**_

_**

* * *

**_

|October 9, 2010-October 10, 2009|

* * *

**BPOV**

After the fated day in biology, and the afternoon that followed, Edward and I hadn't done much talking if we could avoid it. We managed to work through our labs with a minimum amount of conversation. Problem was, I wanted to talk to Edward more, to get to know him, to figure out what happened with him last year, but But clammed up every time I opened my mouth around him.

It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that I thought his voice-and every other part of him-was incredibly sexy. Nothing at all.

Oh, who was I kidding? Edward was the most attractive guy I'd ever seen. Although, I hadn't seen many attractive men or boys in my life time. Men did ride, but all of the men who _did_ ride were in their thirties and forties. I was incredibly inexperienced in this world of boys and men.

Not to mention his history. If he could get any girl he wanted in the school (but considering his looks, he probably could get any other girl he wanted as well) then why would he go for me, the dorky, crippled, inexperienced girl? And besides, I was his foster sister.

_Wait._

Did this mean that _I_ had a _crush_ on Edward?

Oh crap.

Here it was two weeks later and I had a golden opportunity to talk to Edward about something other than chromosomes. After a month-and-a-half of living in the unbelievably cloudy and rainy town of Forks, Washington, the weather was going to turn. The local news station claimed that Saturday was going to be unseasonably high and Alice was planing a trip to the beach with Emmett and Angela. She hadn't said if Edward was going, so I figured I could ask him.

And I didn't want to.

But I wanted to.

It was very confusing. I was embarassed about liking him, and ashamed. He was supposed to be my brother. Isn't that illegal?

Walking into Biology, I kept my head down, fixed on my feet. I mumbled a greeting to the teacher and began the solemn march to my seat.

_Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't you _dare_ look at him._

I was determined to ignore him because maybe, just maybe, ignoring him would terminate my attraction to him.

I sat down in my seat, throwing my bag to the ground. I was hyper-aware of his presence next to me. I wanted to look at him so bad, but couldn't, wouldn't. Electricity seemed to crackle in the space between us. I kept repeating my mantra of, '_don't look at him_. Each second was a battle. I wanted to know him, to know his secrets. But I also thought he was gorgeous.

"Hello Bella," his musical voice whispered as the class began.

Oh fuck. My body screamed to say something in return, to talk to him, to ask him to come with us on Saturday. But I still desperately clung to the hope that if I stopped talking to him, my crush would miraculously disappear.

So I nodded and said, "Edward," through my teeth.

Thankfully, we were watching a movie today and not doing lab, which meant I didn't have to talk to him.

Class dragged on. As the video's narrator explained the process of Meiosis in detail, my attention wained, and turned back to Edward. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. My eyes trailed down his body, starting with his signature tousled red-brown locks and expressive bottle green eyes. I mentally traced over his strong jaw, dotted with stubble-a sign that he hadn't shaved this morning. A dark gray hoddie covered his upper-body and his legs were encased in tailored black jeans.

He looked fantastic.

I sighed internally. I was pathetic. I felt like a stereotypical teenage girl, ogling at the hot guy with a reputation as a man-whore. I was almost... disappointed in myself. I was the oddball with the cane, but inside... I was just like everyone else. I'd almost liked being different. It made me feel like I was my own person, an individual.

The bell rang just as the movie ended. Packing up my books, I nodded in response to Edward's call of 'Bye Bella,' and headed off to check in with my gym teacher so I could go to the library.

* * *

"Bella?" Alice's voice called from outside my bedroom door later that evening. We'd just finished dinner and I was happily reading ahead in _Othello__,_while listening to music.

"Come on in, Alice," I called from my bed, where I was spread out with my book and iPod.

The door flung open, and Alice raced in, a streak of white skin and black hair. "Oh my GOODNESS Bella, you won't believe how excited I am for Saturday!" She did a little twirl as she spoke, her multi-colored babydoll tank-top spreading out around her as she did so.

I laughed, "Simmer, Alice, simmer. Do you even have a medium setting on your level of emotions?"

"Nope," she replied. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to me, swinging her feet, clad in black-and-white flats, back and forth. "Seriously Bella. It's going to be so much fun! Rose and Jasper are coming as well as Angela now, it'll be a blast."

I nodded, taking out my ear buds. When I met Rosalie Hale, she'd seemed very stiff and cold. I didn't know what Emmett saw in her other than good looks. I relayed my thoughts to Alice, because in my first week or so of knowing her, I'd become fast friends with her and learned I could tell her almost anything.

Note the almost.

Because I certainly could _not_ tell Alice about my crush on Edward.

"Rose gets better, I promise rpomise. She needs to get to know people before she lets out her fun side." Alice smiled weakly.

I snorted, "Sure." My tone dripped with sarcasm.

Alice rolled her eyes, "So was there anyone you wanted to invite for Saturday?"

I wanted to scream, '_Edward!'_ But instead, I replied, "No. You?"

"Not really..." she sighed and looked sad, "Edward... isn't going, so what I'd really like is to spend some time with Jasper."

"Ooo, beach canoodling?" I laughed, raising an eyebrow. I still wondered why Edward didn't want Jasper and Alice to date. And there I was again, thinking of him. I sighed to myself.

Alice looked away and blushed. "I said nothing of the sort... What would make you think that?" She smiled impishly.

"Oh nothing... Just the way his eyes light up when he looks at you," I smiled, "he's totally smitten, Ali."

"You think so?"

I nodded, and secretly wished that Edward would look at me like Jasper did to my friend.

* * *

The remainder of the week passed quickly, and before I knew it, I was standing in the Cullen's driveway with Emmett, Alice, and the two Hales. Jasper and Rosalie had arrived in Rosalie's cherry red BMW convertible.

"How about Alice and I take the BMW, and you and Em take his Jeep?" Jasper proposed.

As they debated, I let my mind wander back to Edward. I hadn't see him this morning, although it was still relatively early at 9:30, I'd expected to at least see him in the hallway or something. Maybe he was a late riser.

Last night I'd decided to give up on not thinking about Edward. In fact, my pledge to _not_ think about him cause me to think about him _more_, if it was possible.

I jumped back, as Alice snapped her fingers in my face, "Earth to Bella!" She laughed, "Zone out much?"

I blushed. "A little."

She smiled, "So Bella, who do you want to ride with?" Jasper and Alice looked at me expectantly.

I shrugged and told her that I'd like to ride with them.

As I climbed into the BMW's nearly nonexistent back, I threw an involuntary look over my shoulder, hoping to see Edward. I mentally shook myself. I was _not_ going to think of him. Anyways, I doubted Edward was the type to wave us off from the front porch.

I snorted at the idea, . Which caused Alice to give me a look. I flushed slightly and settled down for the ride to the beach.

* * *

Although the sun was out Alice had 'forgotten' to mention last night that there would be a fierce amount of wind. Since arriving at the beach, I had desperately wanted an elastic band to tie my hair back with. The wind rippled my brown hair that really needed a cut, left and right, inhibiting my vision.

But other than that, the weather was at its best since I left Phoenix. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, there wasn't any rain, it was about 65 degrees; it was nice.

We were waiting near a pile of driftwood for Angela, and another person named Ben. I sat down on the smooth sand, not caring that my jeans would be disgusting and sandy afterwards. Jasper sat on a large log of driftwood that he and Emmett had pulled out of the massive pile in front of us and Alice joined him by sitting in his lap. Emmett and Rosalie sat on another log taken from the driftwood pyre, holding each others' hand. I played with the sand, letting their conversation flow around me.

"So Bella," Jasper began in a Southern drawl with a smile, "how are you liking the infamous, hallowed halls of Forks High School?"

I laughed, "They're decent enough. It took about a week for me to get used to the school and whatnot, but I like it for the most part." After a beat I asked, "Are you from Forks?" I asked, trying to hide my curiosity as to where he got that accent from.

"Not at all," he said, "Rosalie and I hail from Texas. After our dad was a military man, a major or something, and he was... killed in Afghanistan about four years ago. My mom couldn't take care of us by herself so we moved in with our grandfather."

I didn't know his dad had died. I felt bad for asking. "I'm sor-"

He raised his hand, cutting me off, "It's okay... everyone's sorry, I get that." Alice looked up at him and rubbed his thigh in comfort. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. It was adorable, and made me jealous. I wanted to have that. I could see it in my mind's eye... I stopped that train of thought before it finished. The person I imagined myself with was the person I would _not_ think about today.

Before the lull in the conversation had lasted too long, Angela walked over, holding hands with a short, brown-haired boy, who I assumed was Ben. "Hey guys!" she called from across the beach, waving.

We all called out 'hellos' as Angela and Ben sat down next to Jasper and Alice. Ben began to apologize for their tardiness, which soon grew into a long-winded story that I barely paid attention to. I let the conversation continue to go on without me and as Emmett finished up his practical joke , I noticed a group of boys who were slowly coming our way.

"Uley!" Emmett called, waving at them.

The group consisted of what looked to be five boys that were our age and appeared to be from the reservation. The one at the head of the pack had shoulder-length black hair that was pulled into a ponytail. He was tall and built like a linebacker, and was almost as big as Emmett. They all wore jerseys bearing a number and a howling wolf emblem

"What's up Cullen?" the boy asked.

"Not much, man, not much," Emmett replied, pulling the boy into one of those one-armed guy hugs. "So are you ready to be crushed on Monday night, there Sam?"

The boys behind Sam, laughed and feigned fear. "I should be asking _you_ that Emmett."

Emmett flashed a dimpled smile, and patted the spot next to him on the log, "Pop a squat bro ." The group of boys sat down in various places around the driftwood pile. Emmett asked the group about their latest football game. It was then that I noticed there was a sixth boy, he was tall, but not as muscled as the rest, and did not wear a jersey. I decided he must be about sixteen, I observed, as he sat down next to me on the sand.

He turned to look at me, smiling, "Hey I'm Jacob."

I smiled slightly and nodded, "Bella."

"Nice to meet you." He looked out past the driftwood pile and I followed his gaze, "So what brings you to the lovely beaches of La Push?" he asked with mock-enthusiasm, as the seaweed-filled tide rolled in.

I laughed, "I needed to get out of the house, and anyways, I haven't seen the sun this bright since I've moved here from Phoenix two years ago."

He seemed to ponder this, "So you moved to Forks when you were a... sophomore?" he guessed.

I looked away, blushing a little. "No... I was in an... accident two years ago," I nudged my cane with my foot, to show him that it had ended with me slightly worse for wear. "And I went to Seattle for physical therapy and Alice and Emmett's dad," I nodded in their direction, "Carlisle, he's taken me in as a foster kid... for now."

Jacob looked like he didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry." I then understood Jasper's statement from before, _'Everyone's sorry'. _Hearing that word, _sorry_, it didn't feel like it meant anything, like it was just what someone said when they didn't know what to say. It made me feel a bit bitter towards Jacob. But I also knew, he couldn't help it, he didn't know what had happened, nor did he know me.

"It's okay," I told him. Hastily I added, "So you're what, a junior?"

"Nope," he said, "Close though, I'm a sophomore. You?"

"Junior."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Cool."

Silence settled between us, as the various conversations around us continued. The silence wasn't like it was with Edward. Edward's silences were fraught with hidden meaning and secrets, with Jacob it was just calm. I kind of liked it.

After a little while, Angela and Ben began to plan a trip to some tide pools. Most of our group wanted to go, but I opted out. So after I watched them walk away, I was left with Jacob and Sam.

"So you live with the Cullens?" Jacob asked, "Are they nice?"

"Yeah, they're all..." I paused, thinking of Edward, "great," I finished flatly.

"That sounded _really_ enthusiastic Bella. Is it that they aren't nice? Or is it just _one_ of the Cullen clan?"

I sighed, I had a good feeling about Jacob, and I had always been taught to trust my instincts, so I told him. "It's just... there's stuff I'm not being told. And I get that I'm a foster kid, and they aren't exactly going to tell me where grandma's silver is kept," I joked lamely, trying to make light of my own inner turmoil. "And it's hard to connect to Ed-them," I corrected myself just in time. But Sam had caught my slip up while Jacob didn't.

"So they _haven't_ told you, have they?" Sam said in an almost cocky tone, his dark eyes locking with mine.

"Wh-what do you mean?" I tried to act innocent, like a child caught taking from the cookie jar .

"Masen," he began, "I don't know what shit he got into over in Forks, but I _do_ know he isn't allowed here anymore. He's fucking psychotic." It took all of my control to keep my jaw from dropping. Edward's mystery was thickening, and I knew now that I needed to get to the bottom of this.

"Why?" I prodded Sam, hoping for more. Jacob shifted nervously beside me, looking from me to Sam out of the corner of his eyes.

"He showed here really fucking trashed one night." My obviously puzzled look had him explaining more, "He was all kinds of drunk and high off of _something_ there were kids here, it was a community bonfire."

I started to think of Edward. I was trying to make this Edward Sam was telling me about match the Edward I knew. Over the last few weeks, I'd began to notice an odd look in Edward's eyes. Some days he would look haunted. As though he was freaked out by something. Did a high person act like that? I racked my brain for some sort of knowledge about drugs. Did Edward do drugs?

Oh God.

Did Edward do drugs?

* * *

**EPOV**

God, it was really fucking sad how badly I wanted to go with Bella to the beach. I wanted to figure out why she was ignoring me. What had I done? I'd done my best to not freak her out, or let my other half out to _play_ with her. I had tried. Tried to be normal, tried to have a conversation.

Had I failed?

I hadn't had a conversation with anyone outside of the family, and I counted Jasper as part of the family, as much as I am loath to admit, since before I'd left for Boston. And even at that, the conversations had been limited, at best. Alice was the only one who truly attempted to reach out to me nowadays. My family knew I was still battling my issues, and they didn't press.

It scared me that I wanted to spend time with Bella. Not spend time fucking her, but actually talking to her. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted to keep her from tripping or something, so she didn't get hurt.

Shit, did that mean I cared about Bella?

Did that mean I more than liked Bella?

I mean, she was beautiful. Her soft, silky dark brown hair that flowed to in between her shoulder blades I wanted to run my fingers though it. Her warm melted chocolate eyes that held mine in a gaze filled with hidden meaning and confusion. God, she was pretty. And not to mention her curves. Fuck, her curves God, those tight-ass jeans she wore. Fuck me, her ass looked amazing. Just _thinking_ about her caused a familiar twist in my I could just-I stopped that train of thought.

The morning that she and the rest of my siblings left for a day trip to La Push's beach to celebrate the sun, I was locked in my room. I was purposely placing myself in solitary confinement. I had fucked up so bad last year. I didn't even fucking _remember_ half-of last year. Drugs don't do well for one's memory.

However, I do remember that night in La Push.

God, I'd been fucked up. I taken whatever shit Jasper had been passing around, whilst smoking a joint. I don't known what had been in the cocktail, but it was really fucked up. I'm guessing that Jazz had scored some acid and was passing it around. I had be trying everything then. Just something to make myself, my life, my emotions, my memories go away. Forever.

Paul had been our go to guy for drugs. That night, he had been having a party of some sorts. Less than fifteen minutes later, my head was so fucking light and my stomach was rolling. I was moving from room to room, trying to find Jasper. And all of the sudden this huge fucking fear washes over me, I just kept getting more and more frightened. I kept thinking, _holy fuck, I'm going to die, I'm going to die-I have to get out of here, or I'm going to die._ To no one in particular, I yelled that I was going outside. Paul lived in a cabin right on the beach and I headed out there, scared as shit.

And of course, I start to hallucinate. So as I was talking-and screaming-like I was the fucking Mad Hatter, I realized there was some family or something having a bonfire just a few yards down the beach. Just my luck. So, in short, I got a warning from the lovely police chief, a guy named Billy Black, and I was asked to kindly not return to La Push again.

And now, that's the one place I wanted to be in the world.

"Oh irony, oh cruel fate," for I muttered to my empty room, voice dripping with sarcasm. I just wanted to have a normal day, to be a normal guy, with this girl, this Bella Swan, who wasn't normal at all. She was strong, she'd gone through her own storm of shit and she came out from it with strength and determination. She wasn't normal. She was something else entirely, she'd torn open scars I'd thought I'd sealed. I mean, I knew that getting over my actions, problems, and past would be hard, but she'd caught me in some sort of spell, for lack of a better word. I had wanted to have sex with women before. _Obviously douche, _I chided myself. But never had I really wanted to get to know them. Nor had I ever, as I'd written in my notebook after that day in biology:_'__shield her from anything that could hurt her.__' _

Never had I actually cared for anyone like that.

And that was scaring the shit out of me.

It only took a few hours for me to find myself thinking about Bella's body again. How beautiful she was, how bad I wanted her. That mahogany hair that tumbled down her back, those dark brown eyes that were so timid one moment and fierce the next. The rush of pink that came to her cheeks when she blushed. Her curves, the way those fucking jeans fit her like she'd been sewn into them. The gentle slope of her ass... Jesusfuck, the phrase raging wood' couldn't even begin to describe me at the moment.

Hard-on was straining again my boxers and stiff jeans. I remembered her sitting on the couch, her beautiful hair falling in front of her face as she read. My cock twinged painfully.

_Really Edward, just from the way her hair fell on her face?_

God but she... just... fuck, I wanted her. But I couldn't. I would not, could not, _ever_ fuck Bella Swan. It would just start a cycle, start a downward spiral I don't think I could climb back out of. I wished I didn't want her. My life would have been ten fucking times easier if even thinking about her didn't set my body on fire.

I laid down on my bed, arms rigid at my sides, fists balled, hoping, praying, my erection, and my need for her body, would dissipate. The house was so fucking quiet. Carlisle and Esme were both out, as well as my siblings. It was too quiet. The silence seemed to intensify the moment.

I slowly closed my eyes, trying to expel all thoughts of Bella, but I couldn't. All I could see was her. She was standing in blackness. Her hair was down, reaching just past her shoulders. Her t-shirt was fitted and white, allowing me to get the general picture of what her bra looked like. It was dark blue.

Fuck.

Eyes still screwed shut, my hand subconsciously unbuttoned my jeans. The fabric was rough against my hand. I could hear my shaky, rattled breath now as my hand drew closer to the softer fabric of my boxers. The fabric moved up and down, like slow waves as my hand worked underneath it. My eyes flew wide open. I moaned into the silence. My hips rose off the bed, jutting upward, my body needing more.

Needing Bella.

_Fuck._

My free hand, acting of its own accord, began to push my jeans down; the heavy fabric making scratching noises as it moved. The boxers soon followed. She was slowly drawing the shirt over her head, leaving her in the navy bra and these equally dark blue cotton boyshorts. Jesusfuck. She was kissing me now, her tongue darting between my lips, meeting my own.

"Fuck," I whisper-moaned to the silence.

God her bra was off now, her tits so perfect with pert, pink nipples erect. I wondered what they would feel like, imagined moving my head, lowering my face to suck on them. Slowly, sweetly with a soft tenderness.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fucking, _fuck._ My toes were curling, neck arching. Hips jutting upward, arching off the bed, hands out of control. The sheets rustling underneath my twisting body. I felt a growing tightness in my groin.

We were pressing our naked bodies together... _fuck_, I could feel the liquid start to seep from the tip of my cock. Our bodies moved against each other, as I moaned in the quiet. The sheets rustled louder now and I couldn't tell if the noise was real or in my fantasy.

And just as I pushed into her, I felt a familiar tightening, and I exploded in my hands, spilling onto my body and my sheets. The dream-me continued to thrust into her until she came as well. And she did. Crying out, she tightened around me, as her neck arched. Her breathing was as heavy as mine.

Fuck. Jesus-fucking-Christ. I wanted that. I wanted that to happen _so fucking bad_.

But it couldn't. It could never happen. Not ever.

* * *

***blush* So my duckies, how was your first taste of citrus? **

**Also what do you think about Ms Bella's thoughts about our lovely E?**

**Now some time for a little shameless self-plugging and pimping for others: So as many of you know, The Fandom Gives Back Eclipse Auction was the month and I had auctioned off a few things. So now I'm writing a one-shot for my amazing Mentor, AccioBourbon (so get ready for some Peter/Bella ;) a one-shot for the fantastic daisy3853, and a full-length AU Novella for the brilliant bonnysammy. Keep an eye out for those. **

**I'm currently reading Night Must Fall by katkin01 and if you aren't reading it-what rock are you living under? It's amazing, check it out. Also I'm addicted to Like the Shadow by americnxidiot which is also great. Speaking of the fabulous americnxidiot if you're a fan of SLASH you should go read her fuckawesome EDWARD/RILEY once-shot. It's hilarious. You will laugh, giggle, snort, and cringe all at once. I highly recommend it. **

**xo, Sam (AKA: Evil Black Poppies)**


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